Confusion

I am confused of who I am. Of what can I do.. Of what I can not do.. Of what I worth.. Of even I worth of anything? That’s still a mystery for me. In my nineteen years of life. Yes, nineteen. I still don’t know who I am. Tragic. I know it is really tragic. And awful.

People always says that it’s the journey that count, not the destination. But what if I already gone through the journey, and reach my destination, but I still didn’t find anything that count. The only answer that I can think right now is maybe my destination is not really my destination. My desired destination. If it really is the case, then what is my real and desired destination?

I always set my goals to be the best and to be the ‘wow’ one. I want to be a first rank in my elementary school –I think that’s my first serious goal in my life- and I got it. I wanna be in the ‘special’ class at the favourite junior high school, I got it. Then I was curious about the English language because my bestfriend in senior high school is a pro at it. I thought that language was very cool, and the fact that not many student in my enviroinment advanced it only add up the swag. I learned it, then I got it again, until now thank God. I like dancing and also drumband. I joined both, not caring that people think that I can made it through the lesson at ‘special’ class and both of my extracurricular. I brushed them off. I just do what I wanna do.

 I think my favourite phrase is : when people say that you can’t do it. Just turn your back and them and say “watch me”

But then I received a first blow. I failed at the entrance test of one of the favourite SHS at my town. But I picked myself off and showed everyone that I still have it in me. My national examination’s result is considered very good that I can applied for the SHS at the Capital City. Again, I success.

But I repeated that pattern when I was off to college. Go straight to the case, I was rejected at first but then I got my second best option.

Maybe some of you was labeling me as a nerd by now, seeing almost all of my achievement was at the educational department. Yes, I am a nerd. But I am not really a nerd. Confused?

Let me tell you that actually in my mind I am actually a rebel. For some reason that I will tell you later. Long story, not enough space and time. And I also have a pretty good social life considering that I was a dancer back at the school. I was at the main squad. And yes, I am the only one in my squad that got in the science class. Talk about double life. But I think I pull that quite well. I always do the performance and always stays in the Best 10 in my class.

And at the last year of my study. I rushed that rank up to the third rank. What a sweet-tasty victory *dance*

Then what’s the problem?

Just one. The words from them. “she maybe get a good grade, but it’s the amount of time that she used to just slacking off and going around with her friends that I can’t stand”.

All the teenager will automatically think “what the hell? That’s supposed to be a good think right?”. I wish that I can put that mindset on them. They just didn’t get it. Based only from their words, it proves that I can manage my time well. Doing the study and social life and a ‘me’ time.

Why does they have a problem with that? I am just having some fun without forgetting about my responsibility. Is that wrong????

You can safely say that they are one of the old-fashioned close-minded and not-receiving-any –of-social-change in the world.

And that’s why I feel so confused in my nineteen years of live. That’s why I always questioning my destination. That’s why I feel like I didn’t achieve anything in my life. That’s why I feel so alienated in this world. I mean nobody can really understand my problem, right? Because to be honest, I still didn’t grasp the meaning of all of this. If I told anyone about this, they’ll just laughed at me and say “poor you”, “just accept your fate” or maybe even the cliché word like “they just doing it on your favor” and “they only do it because they care so much about you, they love you”.

Yeah I told you that because right now it’s the biggest thing that bother me. Another case will soon follow after this. Yes, this not the only problem that I have.

It maybe will seems as a little bits. But if that occurred repeatedly in your life since you’re just an infant, then I guess it safe to say that it messed up my mind. Like the song that says “my heart can’t possibly break when it doesn’t even whole to start with”. My principle of live wasn’t been found yet when I have all of these problems. And I always been told a different principle from the elders of my family, so being the little puppet I was (when I was a kid), I followed them all without sorting them with my personality, my ‘me’.

So now I’m confused of who I am. Because I can be a nerd, a jock, the popular, the loner, the mean, the rebellious, the sweet one, the goodie-two-shoes, the rebel, the flirty, the cool, or even the shy one. Depends how I set myself to be or even depends on my mood.

Am I having a schizophrenia disease? No, because I still have a ‘me’ touch in all of those mode. And I have a full control of what I wanna be.

Am I an opportunist? Maybe, but did those opportunist ever questioning about what they want and what they need? I don’t think so.

I think I just didn’t find myself yet. I was wondering if maybe I need some spiritual journey like Julia Roberts did in Eat, Pray, Love??

Because if I didn’t know who I really am? How can I presented my true self to all that I loved? Was I feeding lie to them all of these time? But I didn’t meant to do that. I really didn’t. I don’t know how people in my life manage to stay close to someone as confusing as me. Even I am confused with myself.

When I take a ‘me’ time and just thinking about things. I really tried to find out what’s the matter with me but each time I failed to find what’s wrong with myself. I just come to one conclusion that what’s wrong with me is that I can’t find out what’s wrong with me.

I don’t blame people if they can’t get me because really, really-really even I can’t get myself. Now that’s what we called pathetic.

I am pathetic.

Because honestly I think I just reached a peak of my mind-growth (is that even a word?). There isn’t any point of view that I can’t see. Or maybe there’s still another mind thing that I haven’t explored yet, my mind just screamed  “OVERLOAD! TOO MANY! CONFUSING!”.

Screamed that my mind is tired.

Sometimes I wonder how it’s feel to learn them one by one, by real experience (not just a mind-tiring journey and obviously not just a calculation or anticipation of my mind). I wonder how to feel all of that sad experience without my early-defenced mind. And to grieve about that and finally… finally at the end I picked some lesson from that.

It feels like my live has always been controlled by my mind.

Sounds great maybe. But in fact, it certainly not. I feel like a robot. Put a program in there and everything will happen accordingly.

And the whiny part of me was just hoping that there’s anything that can help me picked up myself, that could lead me out of this tiring-confusing mind of mine.

How can I expect someone to understand me? Maybe by some miracle –if God thinks that’s a convenient thing to give to someone like me- there’s someone outside that can see through all of these façade. Someone that can help me and lead me out of this confusion.

Help me to be a better me…

But it just a maybe. Just a last hope of mine. The last solution after going to Eat-Pray-Love-Journey.

That’s one hell of a hope because I also have trust issues.

What a messed up person I am?